Saturday, December 18, 2010

Some Futures I Thought I Might Have

I came across an article, it's at, that I thought was both very clever and entertaining, and super duper funny, so I decided to do my own version.
It can be found here:
Reading it first might make this, make more sense,
Y'all, write your own too if you want!  My friend Gracie already did, but I don't think I can link to it.  I'm trying to make it the newest pass along over on Facebook.  I feel like I'm coming out of the closet here.

Some futures I thought I might have

This is more memoir, than autobiography, if you know what I mean...

 Age 3: I am secretly very special. Someday my powers will be known as I conquer the universe and save the world. I am basically a secret superhero.

 Age 7: Ah, I guess it would be nice to do what it seems my mother did. Become very old (like 12), then conquer the teenage years with grace and confidence, then grow up, get a four year degree at a church school, then get married and BREED BREED BREED!!!!!!!!!!

And also be a vet with horse.

Age 9:  I will write a book that encompasses my whole soul.  It  will be epic, read by all, and never forgotten.
Age 12: I will become a journalist or photographer or zoologist or definitely an actress, you know, something cool.

I will also do whatever the heck I want to, including buying that gorgeous mountain *wink  to Anna* I saw at Grand Tetons National Park that looked like it had a naturally forming ice skating rink and build a castle there and live there with my husband will still maintaining the ability to order Pizza Hut.

Age 14: I will marry Johnny Depp or possibly a sexy 20 years older professor.  Maybe both (not at the same time.)  We will never argue about electricity bills or potatoes. He will be exactly like me only much better and obviously brilliant.  He will wear jackets with elbow patches and grade papers at his oak desk in our library in our house near a bay window overlooking the snow covered woods in upstate new york. We will rear wholesome intellectuals.

Age 15:  All men will be driven underground and harvested for sperm.  I will rule.

Age 17: This will all go away and I will become Idina Menzel.

Age 18: My liberal arts education will infuse me with all knowledge of art, history, and everything worth knowing.  I will be a stunning investigative journalist and also David Sedaris and a columnist for the New York Times. Gay men that I like will fall in love with me. Everything worth doing will be done and the world will be seen and traveled.  I will move to the city and be amazing and also brilliant. No... No... I will become an amazing psychologist with 15 hundred grad degrees and a few books to my name.  My theories will change the world. There will be no more suffering from abuse or mental illness and things I hate because of me. I will become proficient in the violin and at least two other instruments.  I will memorize encyclopedias, wear power suits, speak every language, write screenplays, be a political activist, and attend literary book clubs with my brilliant and culturally diverse group of friends.  I will constantly be offered research grants, invited to important national conferences and conventions, be given Pulitzer and Nobel Prizes, and be published in scholarly academic journals.  There will be a large plot of land where every humane society animal in the country will run free. I will NEVER marry. If all else fails I will get a flat in London with Melissa and lots of used books, cats, and brightly colored scarves.  I will do stuff like this or die. So shut up.  Also be Youtube famous.

Age 19: I will get up and secretly go to a fertility specialist. I will induce lactation using a combination of herbs, hormones, and pumping.   When I am sufficiently milky I will move to Bangladesh and breastfeed all the orphans til I die. BUW-HAHA!                                                                                                     

Age 20:  I will maybe like, you know, be selling my handmade fertility beads, and I could, like successfully do freelance writing online and do some gardening?  And could birth babies and be being a Doula, and be sort of, practicing kinesiology on people and animals. And be like, teaching inner-city kids to dance, or the deaf kids? And be selling herbs out of the back of the van, while, i don’t know, drinking tea, writing poetry, and wearing funny skirts. Hm. With my husband. Whatever.

Now:  I will become very close to God and also get  married and then I will invite every foster child and abused Cambodian and Romania orphan into my home.  We will all hold hands and dance to the beat of the bongo drum.  None of them will have the same color skin as me and when they are crazy you can’t blame my genes.  We will bring pies to invalid old ladies as a group and our hearts will be filled.  I  will solve all their problems and successfully rear them using only hugs and uninterrupted eye contact.  And they will all wear tutus and brightly colored yoga skirts. Even the boys. At the beach.

The End.

And thanks


  1. Like I said when you first showed me this : "Ingenious!"

    So what do you predict age 25 to bring?

    Age 15 makes me literally LOL!

  2. Love it! Especially the castle on the mountain and becoming Idina Menzel!