Part 1: Count Down of My Last Half Dozen Dates
#6- Guy: Snot-Nose ~ Lesson Learned: Boys are not Romantic, and neither am I
This group date was for a dance, and we were soooo very much just friends. To the point that I forgot myself completely, burped loudly after the dinner, and commented that my borrowed dress’s original owner was now a teen mom, to the annoyance of my best friend, who was the girl’s cousin. We ended up completely ignoring the dance aspect of the dance, and sitting down in the low light, chit-chatting about the nature of true love, the sub-text of which was that we liked other people.
#5- Guy: Kilt Boy ~Lesson Learned: There’s a fine line between “unique and special” and “weird and horrible”
I was originally attracted to this guy because he had recently returned from a visit to Scotland, and had the guts to be running around in the kilt he had purchased there. He also had the confidence to talk about un-manly things such as baking and his baby sister. I liked him a lot, but he turned out to be weirder than I thought, and gave me my first taste of being “dumped.” We were supposed to attend his Single Young Adults activity for our church, and I don’t remember what the activity was originally was supposed to be, but it was a lot better than what it ended up being, which was carving pumpkins. I have to be straight with you guys, one of the highlights of the awkwardness that night, was when I looked down at the bat I was insisting on continuing to try to carve into the side of the pumpkin, only to realize the design was all too obviously more phallic shaped than bat shaped.
#4- Guy: Mr. DelusionsofGrandeur ~Lesson Learned: Guys Think They Have a Lot to Prove
We met up at a poetry slam. It was great, we’d just spent three hours talking on the phone a few nights before, and he was fascinating and very intelligent.
I think one of the reasons he liked me is because I seemed supportive and tolerant of his complex ideas. But some his thoughts seemed over the top and non-sensical. He was one day going to live in a castle and basically create a slew of some sort of peace temples that would embrace all types of people and teach them to be accepting of each over. He was incredibly idealistic and driven. He couldn’t even communicate to me if he believed in God or not, because what he really believed in was altruism to the point that accepting or rejecting God would be accepting what some people believed but rejecting others. He couldn’t give me a compliment for fear of being insincere or shallow. In the end his idealistic ideas were too intense and overwhelming (crazy) for me, and I sent him a book on virtue by one of my Church's leaders, and slowly faded out of his life.
He’d suggested that I might deserve criticism at that poetry slam for looking disturbed during a semi-famous lesbian poet’s performance, but I was very moved by her work, it was the stench of another boy sitting next to me that caused the face, which leads me to...
#3- Guy: B.O. Boy ~Lesson Learned: BOYS ARE STINKY
I can’t bear to go into the details of this one, but we went to a history museum, and if you asked my old roommate about it, she’d probably shriek with laughter and do an impression of me, post-date, screeching, “I can’t smell anything else! The B.O. is burned into my nose for daaaaaaays!!!!”
#2- Guy: Shadow ~ Lesson Learned: Your boobs will be your best friend and your worst enemy.
Ok, so technically this wasn’t a date, as he was sort of my best friend’s boyfriend, but he was leaving the country and saying good-bye to me, as she was in a different state at the time. We decided to go to a cemetery after dark. It was kind of my idea, but he kept alluding to having done it before as a teenager, and something about the police. I couldn't get a straight answer from him, it’s legal in my hometown, but we were elsewhere and he spent the entire night dragging me from shadow to shadow so as not to be seen. I know it sounds like a dangerous date idea, but he was a buddy. I obviously wasn’t 100% convinced myself though, because as we pulled up to the cemetery I was so excited and nervous I blurted out, “You’re not a rapist are you?” I’m smooth, I know.
The awkwardness that night was mostly about my boobs. I would dash down a steep muddy hill in the darkness (to get to the next shadow of course) and in the creepy silence they would audibly slap together. Or I’d take his arm out of desperate nerves and at over 6 feet he’d keep elbowing The Girls by accident. Or how about when he found a tennis ball and tossed it at me just to startle me, and I screamed with fright as it hit me directly, guess where? Which was actually rather hypocritical of him, seeing as he kept getting annoyed with me for being irreverent or not taking ghosts seriously or something, as he’s had run-ins with such things. Boys are weird.
#1 Guy: Urkel ~Lesson Learned: Boys Don’t Know What You Want
This guy at first seemed mature, cute, cultured and interesting because he was from Nigeria. He was eager, and our first conversation gave me a false impression, as it was about the art he’d reviewed for a class. I found out after we were at the ballet I suggested, that he’d almost never attended any cultural performance of any kind. No biggie. This date was consumed by rather straight forward, run of the mill awkwardness. He made us late, he was dressed inappropriately, we got lost. He had bad breath, he was shorter than me, we had nothing in common. I had to shoulder the weight of keeping the conversation going, but then he almost never asked me questions about myself.
Excerpts from our conversations that night were as such::
Me: Cool, so what does your dad do now?
Him: He’s dead now.
Me: Huh?
Him: HE’S DEAD.
Me: Oh I’m so sorry!
Him: Psh, it’s no big deal, that was 5 years ago, a long time.
Me: Ok?
or
Him: Yeah, that was a really hard time in my life [he’s not talking about when his dad died here], I’d wake up and just feel awful.
Me: Oh really? That’s too bad.
Him: Yes, it was terrible.
Me: Oh wow.
Him: Yeah it was awful.
Me: Yeah? Hm, that’s too bad.
Him: Yes, it was.
It should also be noted that we were sitting only one row back from the stage, and the dancers had appalling camel toes. Also one number seemed to be some sort of statement about domestic abuse, as the male dancers were roughly dragging the female dancers around in a rather shocking manner. He was the most recent and we are currently tangled in a confusing web of Facebook “pokes.”
This group date was for a dance, and we were soooo very much just friends. To the point that I forgot myself completely, burped loudly after the dinner, and commented that my borrowed dress’s original owner was now a teen mom, to the annoyance of my best friend, who was the girl’s cousin. We ended up completely ignoring the dance aspect of the dance, and sitting down in the low light, chit-chatting about the nature of true love, the sub-text of which was that we liked other people.
#5- Guy: Kilt Boy ~Lesson Learned: There’s a fine line between “unique and special” and “weird and horrible”
I was originally attracted to this guy because he had recently returned from a visit to Scotland, and had the guts to be running around in the kilt he had purchased there. He also had the confidence to talk about un-manly things such as baking and his baby sister. I liked him a lot, but he turned out to be weirder than I thought, and gave me my first taste of being “dumped.” We were supposed to attend his Single Young Adults activity for our church, and I don’t remember what the activity was originally was supposed to be, but it was a lot better than what it ended up being, which was carving pumpkins. I have to be straight with you guys, one of the highlights of the awkwardness that night, was when I looked down at the bat I was insisting on continuing to try to carve into the side of the pumpkin, only to realize the design was all too obviously more phallic shaped than bat shaped.
#4- Guy: Mr. DelusionsofGrandeur ~Lesson Learned: Guys Think They Have a Lot to Prove
We met up at a poetry slam. It was great, we’d just spent three hours talking on the phone a few nights before, and he was fascinating and very intelligent.
I think one of the reasons he liked me is because I seemed supportive and tolerant of his complex ideas. But some his thoughts seemed over the top and non-sensical. He was one day going to live in a castle and basically create a slew of some sort of peace temples that would embrace all types of people and teach them to be accepting of each over. He was incredibly idealistic and driven. He couldn’t even communicate to me if he believed in God or not, because what he really believed in was altruism to the point that accepting or rejecting God would be accepting what some people believed but rejecting others. He couldn’t give me a compliment for fear of being insincere or shallow. In the end his idealistic ideas were too intense and overwhelming (crazy) for me, and I sent him a book on virtue by one of my Church's leaders, and slowly faded out of his life.
He’d suggested that I might deserve criticism at that poetry slam for looking disturbed during a semi-famous lesbian poet’s performance, but I was very moved by her work, it was the stench of another boy sitting next to me that caused the face, which leads me to...
#3- Guy: B.O. Boy ~Lesson Learned: BOYS ARE STINKY
I can’t bear to go into the details of this one, but we went to a history museum, and if you asked my old roommate about it, she’d probably shriek with laughter and do an impression of me, post-date, screeching, “I can’t smell anything else! The B.O. is burned into my nose for daaaaaaays!!!!”
#2- Guy: Shadow ~ Lesson Learned: Your boobs will be your best friend and your worst enemy.
Ok, so technically this wasn’t a date, as he was sort of my best friend’s boyfriend, but he was leaving the country and saying good-bye to me, as she was in a different state at the time. We decided to go to a cemetery after dark. It was kind of my idea, but he kept alluding to having done it before as a teenager, and something about the police. I couldn't get a straight answer from him, it’s legal in my hometown, but we were elsewhere and he spent the entire night dragging me from shadow to shadow so as not to be seen. I know it sounds like a dangerous date idea, but he was a buddy. I obviously wasn’t 100% convinced myself though, because as we pulled up to the cemetery I was so excited and nervous I blurted out, “You’re not a rapist are you?” I’m smooth, I know.
The awkwardness that night was mostly about my boobs. I would dash down a steep muddy hill in the darkness (to get to the next shadow of course) and in the creepy silence they would audibly slap together. Or I’d take his arm out of desperate nerves and at over 6 feet he’d keep elbowing The Girls by accident. Or how about when he found a tennis ball and tossed it at me just to startle me, and I screamed with fright as it hit me directly, guess where? Which was actually rather hypocritical of him, seeing as he kept getting annoyed with me for being irreverent or not taking ghosts seriously or something, as he’s had run-ins with such things. Boys are weird.
#1 Guy: Urkel ~Lesson Learned: Boys Don’t Know What You Want
This guy at first seemed mature, cute, cultured and interesting because he was from Nigeria. He was eager, and our first conversation gave me a false impression, as it was about the art he’d reviewed for a class. I found out after we were at the ballet I suggested, that he’d almost never attended any cultural performance of any kind. No biggie. This date was consumed by rather straight forward, run of the mill awkwardness. He made us late, he was dressed inappropriately, we got lost. He had bad breath, he was shorter than me, we had nothing in common. I had to shoulder the weight of keeping the conversation going, but then he almost never asked me questions about myself.
Excerpts from our conversations that night were as such::
Me: Cool, so what does your dad do now?
Him: He’s dead now.
Me: Huh?
Him: HE’S DEAD.
Me: Oh I’m so sorry!
Him: Psh, it’s no big deal, that was 5 years ago, a long time.
Me: Ok?
or
Him: Yeah, that was a really hard time in my life [he’s not talking about when his dad died here], I’d wake up and just feel awful.
Me: Oh really? That’s too bad.
Him: Yes, it was terrible.
Me: Oh wow.
Him: Yeah it was awful.
Me: Yeah? Hm, that’s too bad.
Him: Yes, it was.
It should also be noted that we were sitting only one row back from the stage, and the dancers had appalling camel toes. Also one number seemed to be some sort of statement about domestic abuse, as the male dancers were roughly dragging the female dancers around in a rather shocking manner. He was the most recent and we are currently tangled in a confusing web of Facebook “pokes.”
Thanks for the Memories, Boys
...Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
Thank you for keeping your promise. And for that I will cherish this bog forever.....or at least however long you continue feeding it with side-splitting adventures!
ReplyDeleteI am actually insanely jealous of these dates. Do you have any idea how LUCKY you are. You've got a plethura of experiences. Whenever you are sad, bored out of your mind, or have nothing to smile about - all you have to do is think of camel toes and kilts! The boob noises as well! Keep it going!!!!!
Not to laugh at your ... misfortunes ... but this post was pretty funny.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Lol... which is funnier, mom adventures or dating adventures, because your blog is pretty funny too!
ReplyDelete